Written by Katy Roughton

Scrolling through inspirational videos on social media is something many of us do as a way of relaxing – and it’s a brilliant way of getting ideas for recipes (tortilla wrap hack anyone?), make-up looks or interior design. But, with all social media platforms, we need to be conscious of what might be cropping up on our feeds, and how this content is affecting us.

One trend within the dating and relationship sphere online calls for people to set their ‘bar’ as high as it can possibly be. While I’m not suggesting we should be looking past genuine red flags or accepting unpleasant treatment just so we can snag ourselves a date, I do wonder – are these videos giving us unrealistic dating expectations?

To give some context: one viral video I saw showed a girl explaining that she’d had to cancel her third date with a guy, saying she felt really bad for doing so. She then dragged into shot an enormous care package that said guy had just left on her doorstep. She proceeded to unpack the care package and showed us the contents: tupperware boxes of homemade soups and stews, a tub of her favourite (expensive) face mask, slippers, boxes of chocolates…the list goes on. At the end of the video, she explained that THIS was how you should treat someone you’re dating and warned us not to settle for anything less.

To be honest, it struck me as a little intense. I can’t deny this is a thoughtful and very generous gift – but suggesting that this is the ‘correct’ way to behave feels like a stretch.

Another video showed one half of a couple telling us that their partner regularly sets up extravagant scavenger hunts around their house, resulting in lots of little gifts and treats that lead up to a big romantic gesture. In the video, the influencer is squealing with excitement about this game as she tells us about other versions her partner has set up in the past. At the end of the video, following the big reveal (he’s taking her on a surprise trip away), she says “See, if he wanted to, he would!”.

Not only does this feel braggy – but it also doesn’t feel realistic. The tone makes it seem like we should all be expecting this level of treatment. Most people I know barely have the time or the funds to plan a date night once a week…but I’d never suggest that these relationships are inadequate because of that. It seems a lot to expect our partners or people we’re dating to always be going above and beyond to ensure we’re having the best possible time.

Of course, I understand that maybe none of this is real. It is social media after all. But regardless, this notion of ‘never settling’ or ‘setting the bar too low’ is seemingly just another way that normal, everyday people are being invalidated on social media. It makes me worry that regular people, who put in a normal, sustainable amount of effort, are going to be seen as ‘doing the bare minimum’ or that people are going to expect to be treated like royalty every day for the rest of their lives. It’s just not realistic.

I’m all for expecting love, support & attention from your partner and by all means, set your bar high and certainly don’t settle for something you don’t deserve. But we have to understand that our partners/dates/matches are human. They’re normal people and their lives don’t (and shouldn’t) completely revolve around the person they’re partnered with.

It’s unreasonable for someone to spend hours every day working on a scavenger hunt, or gathering up our favourite treats in order to prove how much they value their partner. Once in a while, yes, for sure – that’s amazing! But let’s just bear in mind that a) we’re only seeing three minutes of these relationships, b) it absolutely might just be for clicks and c) being in a relationship/dating someone unlike this, isn’t settling.

Being treated well and cherished is a really important part of being in a relationship with someone, and showing someone how much they mean to us is a wonderful thing to get to do. Most partners are great at this and do this in their own individual ways. Things such as listening when you’ve had a bad day at work, bringing you a morning coffee after a rough night and supporting your hobbies are the real ways in which a partner shows up for you. It’s these everyday, normal ways of showing someone they’re loved that really matter.