Written by Scotty Unfamous
Growing up, I was deeply engrossed in Disney films, so much so that my aspiration in life was to be a princess (so cliché, I know). Princesses lived in castles, with big sparkly ballgowns and they found their one true love who would give them their happily ever after. Sadly, life happens, and fairy-tale fantasies get replaced with stuff you never thought you’d have to consider, like, “I hope he doesn’t ghost me.”
Although I believe that some version of ‘the one’ exists, experience has taught me that maybe it’s not possible to find every single thing you feel you need in one person – and holding onto the idea that you can will let some great imperfectly perfect people pass you by. People are not fairy-tale characters, they are complicated creatures who simply can’t follow the script you have written for them in your head because they are real people, and that’s not always a bad thing.
Let me stress this: not looking for ‘the one’ doesn’t mean settling. I am a firm believer in getting everything you want while being open to compromising on exactly what you get or how you get it. I am also a firm believer in the motto ‘it ain't a blessing, it’s a lesson’. I have been blessed and I have LEARNED. Though I may not have appreciated the lesson at the time, once I’d let go of the pain, I utilised what it taught me.
The One who was my first love
My first significant ‘one’ was my college boyfriend - my first love. The relationship was cool, we were in love, he was affectionate, he took care of me, we laughed together…and then he wanted to change the way I dressed because it was ‘too revealing’. I started dressing more ‘acceptably’. Towards the end of the relationship, we stopped having sex and he revealed that he still liked me but wasn’t attracted to me anymore because I didn’t ‘make an effort’ to look nice. I broke it off.
The blessing: I knew what it was like to be in a healthy(ish), loving relationship.
The lesson: don’t change who you are to cater to someone’s ego, and that even though people think it’s shallow to place it in such high regard, a good sex life is important to a lasting relationship.
The One who taught me about red flags
When I was 20 I got into another relationship. It had taken a while to get over my ex and I wanted to make sure I gave my new partner everything I hadn’t given to him. This next boyfriend brought nothing to the table but good looks and dick. On the other side of that he was abusive. That relationship lasted a month. He was ‘the one’ who taught me that not everyone is deserving of what you have to offer and that you need to pay attention to red flags. Nothing but lessons there.
The One who taught me to love myself instead
Then there was ‘the one’ who taught me that I shouldn’t have to fight for something that was meant for me. A male bestie who blurred the boundaries of friendship. We got on like a house on fire, knew the best and worst parts of each other and there was something so tangible between us that people would often assume that we were together. He didn’t want to be with me, but also didn’t want me to be with anyone else – and he made sure to get in the way of that happening. Naively, at the time I saw it as endearing, when in reality it was just him trying to control me. We slipped into a toxic situationship that ended in me with a broken heart and him hooking up with one of my friends after he’d underhandedly pitted us against each other over him. In the end, I was the one who lost and that was f*cking rough. It made me question if I was enough and sparked my heaux phase (that was fun). Looking back, I’m glad that it happened. The years following this relationship were transformative for me. I blocked him on everything, got my shit together and learned to love who I am so radically that if I encountered somebody who didn’t recognise my worth, I wouldn’t go out of my way to make them see it.
The One who gave me great orgasms
Then, I encountered ‘the one’ who gave me my first penetrative orgasm. I’d been having sex since I was 18 and had faked a few along the way, but eventually stopped (because why was I validating subpar sex?). YES KING, GIVE US NOTHING! I was around 25 when I started sleeping with my hot neighbour who had bright blue eyes, and a smooth south London drawl that dripped with charm. We’d been luvahs on and off for about 3 years and in that time, I’d gotten sexually comfortable with him. I learned that comfortability was the key to unlocking my partnered orgasms when one night (about 2 years in) we were having sex and this feeling of tingly heat took over me. My body locked up, spasmed and I made an unattractive sound as I gripped onto him for dear life with my eyelids clenched so tightly shut that they could burst a capillary. “What the f*ck was that? That has NEVER happened before!” I’d exclaimed before smiling at him proudly and giving him a high 5.
The One who showed me that love is a choice
After my heaux phase, I was celibate for about 3 years, swearing off men until I could find the person that fit the new bill. I made lists, meditated, affirmed and manifested my current partner. He is ‘the most one-iest one’ I’ve encountered, so much so that he’s not only made it past the infamous 6-month mark – he’s been around for 5 years. The thing that made such a difference in this relationship is, in making my list of what I wanted in a partner, I deviated from what my ‘one’ was. It became less about what I wanted and more about what I needed now that I had a better understanding of myself. All the lessons acquired from past relationships were put into practice here. I released my expectations and took him for who he was, and this helped me to appreciate how great he is.
If he doesn’t particularly like the way I dress, I don’t care and he doesn’t push me to change it. I have exercised my patience with him and he’s taught me to have even more, and I’m OK with that because he is patient with me. He’s taught me the importance of communication and that just because we disagree on something or we have a fight, it’s not the end of the world and I don’t have to run. He taught me that love is a choice and that if you want to make things work, you have to keep choosing each other. It won’t always be easy to do so, because humans are inevitably annoying and complicated, but if they matter to you, choose them anyway. And b*tch, the sex! On everything that is Godly I have never had so many orgasms! I am truly living my best life!
So, to summarise, release the idea of who your ideal one is. It limits your options, and most people will never meet the expectations you set for them. Accept that one person can’t be everything, and neither can you. It’s not realistic. Every person you date will hold something of value to you (blessings and those damn lessons) whether you realise it at the time or not. They may not be your forever love, but each of your ‘ones’ will provide the tools to shape the kind of partner you become: whether they’re the one who taught you how to speak up for yourself or the one who taught you how to give love another go. As you mature, your needs will change and it’s important that you pay close attention to them, because life can go from “I hope they’re good in bed,” to “Can they pay this mortgage and raise a family with me?” real quick.
As you search for your next ‘one’ I urge you to think less about what you think you want and more of what you need. It won’t always be perfect but at the very least, in some way, it will be worth it – and it may just surprise you.
