Written by Xenia Ellenbogen

From the first time we watch a rom-com to the incessant refrain of pop song lyrics, we’re inundated with the idea that romantic relationships are the relationships to covet.

Have you ever thought about how you know you feel romantic attraction – what does it feel like? How do you know you want specific things from a relationship, like moving in, for example?

For aromantic people, feelings of romantic attraction are slim or nonexistent. Romance is not the driving motivator behind aromantic relationships – but other vital qualities like care and companionship can be. It’s essential to note that aromanticism is a spectrum, and there are variations in the degree to which someone feels romantic feelings based on the individual.

We reached out to Aromantic-spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy (AUREA) members for more information on navigating aromantic relationships and identity.

Terminology

Some terms that are helpful to familiarise yourself with:

• Aromantic Someone who experiences little to no romantic attraction
• Aromantic spectrum (arospec, aro) An umbrella term for all aromantic orientations
• Alloromantic Someone who experiences romantic attraction and is not on the aromantic spectrum
• Asexual (ace) Someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction
• Allosexual Someone who experiences sexual attraction and is not on the asexual spectrum

What does it mean to be aromantic?

For alloromantic people, the term “relationship” might connote a trajectory of attraction, dating, shared living space, then perhaps marriage. For someone who is aromantic, relationship trajectories vary and may differ in priorities.

Ian from AUREA says regarding romantic relationships, “I feel indifferent to the idea of them – I don’t actively search for romance, but I’m also not closed off to the idea of a relationship.”

Aromantic people can engage in any of the relationships that alloromantic people do.

Cyril from AUREA notes that, unlike romantic relationships, there is no clear roadmap for aromantic relationships, so they involve navigating expectations, especially upfront.

Another AUREA member, Rebecca Ashley, explains that queerplatonic relationships (QPR) are prevalent in the aromantic community. “QPRs are neither platonic nor romantic in nature and are often described as a committed relationship that is closer and more intimate than friendship but has no romantic qualities or feelings,” said Ashley.

How might someone know they are aromantic?

There is a need for more data on how many people are aromantic; it’s a relatively new term that has burgeoned over the last two decades. There are telltale signs that many aro people note helped them discover they were aromantic such as not feeling butterflies, not having crushes, or having different relational expectations and desires than the people around them.

Ian says the phrase “attraction doesn’t equal action” helped him discern he was aromantic. “To explain, it’s one thing to go on a date with somebody and have a relationship with them. However, it’s another thing to feel an actual romantic attraction for them. If you find yourself questioning what that romantic attraction feels like, or if it’s even real, then you may want to look into the aromantic community,” said Ian.

Nuances in desires for future arrangements can also be a helpful sign. Ashley notes, “For me, it finally clicked that I was aromantic when I realised my fantasies about a girl I thought I had a crush on involved us owning a townhouse together but living in completely separate units within the house. I knew I desired closeness, intimacy and commitment with this person, but it was suddenly very obvious to me that I didn't actually desire romance with them.”

Cyril says, “There's also something called ‘romance-repulsed,’ where you feel bad when someone acts romantically or uses romantic gestures with you.” People who are romance-repulsed might also experience disgust at romantic gestures or activities. Romantic attraction may also diminish when the other person reciprocates, which could be another indicator of aromanticism, explains Cyril.

Common misconceptions about aromantic people

Many damaging assumptions stem from societal conditioning that prioritises one type of relationship and deems others unworthy. Amotonormativity is the assumption that an exclusive romantic relationship is universal – leading to wrongful assumptions and stigma about how aromantic people might relate to others.

Because of amotonormativity, alloromantic people may think aromantic people are devoid of feeling, which is not the case. Commitment may look different in an aromantic relationship, so people may wrongfully assume that aro people avoid commitment. Because people on the aro spectrum may prioritise different types of relationships, others may assume aromantic people are lonely.

It’s also important not to conflate the terms asexual and aromantic, which are two completely different orientations. This conflation could lead to faulty assumptions that aro people don’t have or enjoy sex.

AUREA member Tate Lin adds that another misconception is “that our love is limited and abusive. Most obvious examples include being in a queerplatonic relationship with an alloromantic person.”

Lin continues, “Platonic love isn't inherently less than romantic love. They may manifest in different forms but, ultimately, it's all about care, understanding, and devotion.”

What’s the dating scene like for aromantic people?

Because aromanticism is a spectrum, what dating looks like for an aromantic person depends entirely on them. Dating might look like romantic dating, a platonic get-together, or it might be nonexistent.

“At the core, isn't a relationship just a way in which two or more people are connected? Despite not experiencing romantic attraction, aromantic people can be in any and all of the same types of relationships as people who are alloromantic, including family relationships, friendships and romantic relationships,” said Ashley.

For some, it’s helpful to state they are aromantic on dating apps. Cyril says, “I'm out as aro on the dating apps I use and I make sure that people know about it upfront and are happy to go on a date with someone who is aro. I've had quite a few interesting conversations about aromanticism and alternative relationship types on first dates!”

What does intimacy look like?

Like dating, sexual preferences depend entirely on the person or the relationship. Aromantic people can have any sexual identity or sex life.

Lin explains, people may “also be on the asexual spectrum, which includes being sex-favourable, sex-neutral, and sex-repulsed. Thus, intimacy depends largely on the aro themself. There's no one size fits all situation here.”

Cyril explains that being aromantic has helped emotional intimacy develop in relationships because you don’t need to play a part for someone and can approach the relationship with radical honesty.

“I think one way in which we have a huge advantage is the amount of thought we have to put into figuring out our orientation and, by extension, questioning the cultural and social norms around romance and relationships. I find that many aromantic people are very deliberate about building relationships that reflect their values and desires, rather than building relationships based on the framework and timelines society presents to us for how we ‘should’ live our lives,” said Ashley.

Like all relationships, aromantic relationships involve navigating boundaries, expectations, and intentions around what a future might look like. It’s crucial to question cultural norms, like romantic love as a standard, in any relationship, which leads us back to the opening questions of “how do you know you feel romantic attraction?,” and “how do you know what you want from a relationship?” As Lin reminds us, “love is love, no matter what type it may be.”