Written by Xenia Ellenbogen

We typically think of boundary setting as something to do in long-term relationships, with family members, or in work environments to retain some semblance of balance. But boundary-setting is also an essential part of dating – you can implement boundaries before you even show up for a first date.

Why set a few boundaries before a date? Boundaries are invisible lines that separate you from those around you. They are essential to our self-worth, mental health, and emotional safety. Though establishing boundaries might feel scary to instil, their goal is to allow more closeness between you and someone else. When you respect yourself and someone else respects your needs, it can feel revolutionary.

It’s easy to compromise boundaries with someone new – you’re excited and don’t want them to find you too strict. But staying loyal to your boundaries can help you find the people you’re most likely to feel good around. If someone is unwilling to adhere to your boundaries? They’re probably not someone you want to be dating anyway.

How do you set boundaries with someone you haven’t met yet?

Boundaries start with you! Before setting them, it’s helpful to consider what patterns are no longer serving you in your dating life. An example could be you’re easily enchanted by someone’s looks and find that by date two, you’ve run out of things to talk about. The boundary to set is investing more time scoping out someone’s profile and messaging with them before you meet. Consider what you have in common. Are you messaging them solely out of attraction or for a more substantial reason?

Another pattern that might call for boundary setting is getting swept off your feet after a first date and finding it hard to focus on work or life the next day. A boundary you can set with yourself is reframing how you think of first dates or sticking to a few tasks to complete the day after.

Boundary setting can encourage you to dismantle habitual patterns and become more intentional about how you show up for yourself. Though boundaries look different for everyone, they can include making sure you’ve messaged adequately before meeting or that you ask questions that could help indicate if you and a potential date might be aligned. This boundary can help mitigate the all too common scenario of showing up for a first date and twiddling your thumbs, waiting for it to end due to nothing to talk about.

Staying true to your values

It’s easy to lose yourself in the idea of someone or get swept off your feet during a date. A boundary to help you stay grounded is staying true to your values, needs, and desires. To help navigate this boundary, you might spend some time thinking about or writing down what it is you’re looking for; then committing yourself to focusing on those things.

Is it easy to lose a sense of your core values when dating? Make a list of dealbreakers for you. Dealbreakers might look like finding someone you align with politically, who cares about the environment, or who takes good care of themselves. What are things you know wouldn’t work out in the long haul? How about qualities, values or shared interests you know you want in a date or potential partner?

Implementing the boundary of staying true to your values before a first date might look like creating a dialogue in your message exchange to ask these questions before sharing a meal or drink.

Look for compatibility in your values in a date’s profile, like shared beliefs, opinions, activities, and similar lifestyles (if that’s important to you.) If you’re a wellness buff who wakes up at 5 am each morning to run a quick 5k, are you looking for the same in a match? There is something to be said about yin/yang attraction, so don’t pay too much attention to having everything in common—differences are all part of a healthy relationship.

Boundaries on a first date

Boundaries with a date might include where you meet, what you do or don’t agree to do, how long you stay out, and emotional boundaries. It’s possible to set boundaries with dates subtly and smoothly, both before you arrive or during the hang.

Time boundaries

Time boundaries include how long you’ll stay out. They can entail being clear about when it’s time to leave. You can casually mention that you’ve had a great time, and it’s time for you to head out. Or, you can set time boundaries before the date and say that you’ll have to leave in an hour or two.

Physical and sexual boundaries

Physical boundaries might extend to someone’s safety practises around the pandemic. Sexual boundaries could look like not having sex on the first date or refusing PDA.

The only person who knows the right time to have sex is you! It’s entirely possible that your boundaries and comfort level can change over time or as you get to know the person you’re meeting. What’s key is to check in with yourself. Some questions to consider during a date:

• Am I feeling comfortable?
• Am I feeling safe?
• Am I seeing any red flags?
• How do I feel about spending more time with this person?

Emotional boundaries

Emotional boundaries in dating can include not feeling ready to bring up something traumatic, refusing to do emotional labour for someone else, or taking red flags seriously. Other emotional boundaries are not talking about something that’s potentially sensitive material, sharing your salary, or too many personal details upfront or just after meeting.

If someone is pushing on any kind of boundary you’ve set forth, it could be a red flag or a window into how the relationship might look in the future. If they’re not willing to respect your need for space, time, etc. now, will they in the future? You also don’t owe an explanation of why you have specific boundaries to someone.

Boundaries can help you show up for yourself and others more authentically. Their point isn’t to create distance but rather to help people relate and connect to you in a way you’re comfortable. So, what boundaries can you set before a date to ensure you’re staying true to yourself?