Written by Almaz Ohene

It can be difficult enough getting to know someone’s authentic personality on a dating app, and that’s without throwing someone’s sexual health status into the mix. Some of our matches might never have received comprehensive sex education, and so they might not know just how important it is to take responsibility for our sexual health. And even for people who might have had good sex education, societal pressures can stop us from talking about sexual health with potential partners for fear of being judged – but it doesn’t have to be like this.

I don’t believe that keeping quiet about crucial information that helps us all stay healthy is anything to be ashamed of. In fact, if everyone is more honest about getting tested, people will start to feel less awkward about getting tested – ultimately creating a better community of daters.

Getting these conversations started has the potential to be embarrassing, so here are some tips and advice to help you navigate the sexual health chat...

Work out when it’s the right time to ask

If you’ve already got a great back and forth with someone, which has moved from casual flirting, to hard flirting with a sprinkle of explicit sexting here and there, then it’s probably time to steer the conversation towards sexual health.

It’s important that your match knows that your upcoming questions aren’t coming from a place of accusation or blame, but because you see your relationship progressing to physical intimacy. One way to word your message could be something like this:

“This convo is so hot. I totally can’t wait for us to try some stuff. Before we get down and dirty can I just ask about your sexual health status?”

You can then talk about your own sexual health status, which hopefully they’ll interpret as an invitation to disclose their own.

“I’ve hooked up with a few people this year and used protection, so don’t think I have anything. But before we do it, I want to get myself checked out as it’s been more than a year since my last STI test.”

If your match is surprised that you’re thinking about a physical relationship with them, then it’s probably a sign that you both aren’t yet on the same page and need to spend a bit more time getting to know each other before taking things further.

How to ask your match about getting tested

If you’ve disclosed your own sexual health status with your match, you’ll be hoping that they share their status with you in return. If they don’t, then you’ll need to ask directly.

And remember, it’s OK to ask people before you meet, as it’s crucial for looking after your own health and peace of mind.

You could word your message something a bit like this:

“Could you let me know your sexual health status so that we can do all the hot things we like and still keep safe?”

If your match doesn’t respond at first, it might be because they don’t know their status as they haven’t been tested for a while – or ever. It’s OK for them not to know, but they should communicate that to you.

You could help them out by messaging back with a response similar to this:

“I know you might feel awkward telling me, but it’s super important for our health that we know each other’s status. Let’s both get tested this week and wait till after we get our results to hook up.”

And if someone seems put off by you trying to be honest and communicating with them about sexual health, then they probably aren’t right for you.

Why sexual histories are important

It’s also a good idea to try to get some insight into your matches’ sexual history. This isn’t to pry into their past or shame their life choices, but to understand what joint decisions you might have to make about your safer sex options.

First, let them know that everything they tell you is confidential and that you’re asking because you want to have fun and stay as safe as possible.

You could start by asking:

“When was the last time you got tested for STIs?”

Or, within an established relationship this might look like:

“Ah, I don’t think we’ve ever been tested while we’ve been seeing each other. Why don’t we get tested together?”

It also might be a good idea to ask them about their current relationship status and whether they’re engaging in any kind of sex with other people. And if so, whether they think their other partners also have other partners.

It’s important to recognise that talking about your respective sexual histories might well lead to a longer discussion about your sexual desires and boundaries during pleasure-seeking activities. So when you ask your matches about sexual health, be ready to be your most authentic self and be reciprocal with the kinds of information you share.

Remember that knowing someone’s boundaries (which, by the way, is another form of safe sex – this stuff isn’t always about STIs, but also about staying safe together) and finding out this extra information will help inform your safer sex options.

Situations where someone has something (also called “positive disclosures”)

The most recent data (2019) from the World Health Organization shows that 1 million sexually transmitted infections (STIs), including syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, trichomoniasis, hepatitis B, herpes simplex virus (HSV or herpes), HIV, and human papillomavirus (HPV) are acquired every day worldwide. So it’s possible that your match could be one of those people.

If they do have something, it certainly needn’t be a reason to un-match or stop talking to them. Of these eight infections, four are currently curable: syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and trichomoniasis. The other four are viral infections that are very treatable, but unfortunately, as yet incurable: hepatitis B, herpes simplex virus (HSV or herpes), HIV, and human papillomavirus (HPV).

It’s important for everyone to be aware that the four incurable viral infections are absolutely manageable and also may not spread to sexual partners if suitable precautions are taken. This usually means avoiding genital contact by usual a barrier such as a condom or a dental dam for intercourse and oral sex (all genders).

Anything you can do to actively reduce stigma around positive diagnosis is the first step to coming to terms with the situation. This might mean reading up on conditions such as hepatitis B, herpes simplex virus (HSV or herpes), HIV, and human papillomavirus (HPV). Your regular healthcare provider should have information about all these conditions in the form of leaflets or web pages.

If a positive disclosure is a deal-breaker for you – and only you can decide what your deal breakers are – then don’t just ghost your match, kindly let them know that you’re no longer pursuing this connection.

And finally, while having these talks might seem daunting and hard to navigate, they’ll be worth it in the end. The more everyone is open and honest, the better things will get for the whole dating community.

Almaz is the founder of illustrated erotica and sexual health platform, Kayleigh Daniels Dated, and a collaborator with the School of Sexuality Education.