Written by Almaz Ohene
Whether you’re new to sexting or a seasoned pro who wants to switch things up, the ideas below will help you nail the digital dirty talk. Sexting may have some negative connotations attached to it, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of – it’s just another form of sexual self-expression when both parties are down for it.
The most important thing about sexting is that it should be consensual and a fun experience for everyone involved. So pick people you think you can trust, or if you’re already in a relationship, ask your partner if this is something that they want to do. Outline your boundaries and establish off-limit words. For example, name-calling and degradation can be a turn-on for some people, but this isn’t the case for everyone, so talk it through first. It might be a good idea to chat about establishing a safe word – like the one you might use in the bedroom IRL – which you can both use in case the sexting feels uncomfortable at any time. You might decide that nudes are cool, but that texts about scenarios involving group sex aren’t. Make sure that you always respect the boundaries you both set.
So, you’ve sorted out your boundaries, what next? It might feel like initiating a sexting session will be awkward, and that it’ll be hard to find a scenario that you’ll both be into. If you’re struggling with a prompt, why not draw from past sexual memories or think about where you like to be touched – both by yourself and with a partner – and take things from there. While sexting, it’s important to check in regularly and ask “Can I send a pic?” or “Do you want more?” etc.
At its most basic, there are two main roles that you can take while talking dirty: the director or the narrator. The director is someone who is doing the telling, while the narrator is describing what is happening around them.
Example of director: “I want you to use your vibrator, but you can’t cum until I say so.”
Example of narrator: “I love it when you tease me that way.”
One role might feel more comfortable to you and the other to your partner, so you might fall into them naturally. But this doesn’t mean you can’t switch it up!
Timing is important
Be aware of what your partner’s doing when you want to initiate a sexting session. If they’re out to lunch with the family or having their weekly check-in with their boss, it’s probably not a good time for them to receive steamy texts.
If you’re not sure what your partner is up to, why not send a simple “Hey, what you up to?” text to let you know if it’s a good time to start something. Or, if you’re the one stuck in a non-sexting appropriate situation, you could message to let them know you’d be up for something later:
"Hey [cute nickname], I’m at work but I can’t stop thinking about the way you [verb] me. Phone sex later? I can get us started while I finished off these last bits at work."
“I know you love when I use my [body part] to [verb] your [body part]. I’m aching to swirl my tongue [in/on] your [body part]. I desperately want to hear you [verb]. Can’t wait to hear your voice later tonight.”
Give your partner a heads up before sending a nude
A great tip for sending nudes is to message them, “NSFW” (which is an acronym for ‘not safe for work’), then hit return a few times, before dropping the photo in. This will ensure that the photo doesn’t pop on your partner’s lock screen, and allows them to look at it when they aren’t in a potentially embarrassing or professional situation. If you don’t want to take pictures of yourself completely in the nude, don’t feel that you have to – you can be imaginative.
"I’m sending you a photo that’s going to leave a lot to the imagination."
Using your voice
Voice notes don’t only make life easier when you want to get your point across to someone quickly; they also allow you to tap into your lover’s aural desires. Try lowering your voice and speaking softly while telling your partner what you want to do to them or what you want them to do to you. You can also take advantage of the variety of digital options available for sexting, including photos, videos, voice notes, text, GIFs and Boomerangs.
Keep things going
There’s nothing worse than getting all hot and bothered and then experiencing a lull in momentum, or worse – being left on read. When sexting is in full flow, try to be engaged and responsive during these intimate moments. Also, feel free to call your partner out if they seem to not be there for you:
"I’m not sure where you went, but if you haven’t cum yet, let’s work on that. Together."
“I’m getting so close. Want to move this to FaceTime?”
Aftercare
‘Aftercare’ isn’t just for kinksters, y’know. Sexting is unique because it’s both a partnered and solo sexual experience, and that can come with some intense emotions. If you find yourself feeling a bit out of sorts once things have wrapped up, take time for physical self-care. Be mindful of how you’re touching your body, taking extra care and paying attention to how your own hands feel on yourself. This can help ground you, especially if you’re feeling a bit lonely after the sexting session.
A final note on safety
Sexting can be fantastic – but it’s important to also be aware of what can sometimes happen if consent and respect are ignored.
Image-based sexual abuse: making or sharing sexual images without someone’s consent (e.g. sharing someone’s nudes without consent).
Unsolicited sexual content online: sending unwanted sexual content that is shared online, including content on apps, via DMs and websites (e.g. unwanted dick pics).
Sexual coercion, threats and intimidation online: coercing someone into doing something sexual online or offline via tech e.g. being blackmailed into sending nudes.
All of these three offences can be reported to the authorities.
That being said, if everyone is respectful of boundaries, has got consent, and trusts one another – there shouldn’t be any problems with sexting. It’s a great way to let off some steam, and connect with your partner even when you aren’t together.
