Written by Xenia Ellenbogen
The three-date rule says that you’ll be granted a prospering relationship if you adhere to the magic number of three dates before sex. Ready for a plot twist? There’s no numeric formula that can guarantee a successful relationship.
The right time to have sex is undoubtedly when it’s right for you and you feel ready. Still lost? We asked two sex and relationship experts for their help knowing how to tell it’s the right time to get it on.
Slashing the waiting game myth
Sexologist and sex and relationship coach from The Sex Consultant, Ness Cooper, wants you to know that rules around waiting for sex come from an outdated sociopsychological stigma that “is partly based on P-V (penis-to-vagina) sex and fears of pregnancy.” It’s puritanical, heteronormative, and comes from an abstinence-only model that waiting until marriage is best. We now know that there are so many ways to have sex that don’t rely on P-V sex.
What we’ve been taught about sex can shape how we think sex should look or pan out, including our expectations for a budding relationship post-coitus. Waiting doesn’t make you more worthy of sex, and it doesn’t sign you up for a happy relationship.
There’s no amount of dates or days that make for “the right time” other than listening to yourself. But what types of cues can help guide you toward knowing if it’s right?
Are the green flags waving?
Rather than looking for an external formula, sex and relationship coaches stress that the answer is within. Start to pay attention to how your body feels around the person (or people) you’re considering having sex with.
Feeling relaxed, at ease, comfortable, and excited are great indications of green flags. Feeling tense or uncomfortable? These feelings might indicate that now is not the right time.
Cooper advises paying attention to feelings you have with this person, like “the ability to be and feel safe with each other, paying attention to each other, and listening to body language.” She also says that “sharing beliefs and relationship goals can help greatly and avoid conflicts.”
If you’re looking for physical indicators that might suggest it’s the right time, sex and relationship coach from The Shame Free Zone Veronica Monet cautions, “don’t let your genitals run the show.”
It’s normal to feel sexual arousal with a potential partner, especially when things are new and heating up. Monet suggests sitting with any feelings that arise and waiting until you have a consensus between all parts - physical and emotional - before making a decision.
If someone does this, it’s a red flag
What might be a signal to slow down or wait for a different time? Cooper says that “not being able to communicate your boundaries or limits to one another” is a major red flag. You want to be sure that you can openly communicate what you’re comfortable with. Hot tip, if you’re not comfortable communicating with someone outside of the bedroom, it’s going to be even more difficult when you’re between the sheets.
Monet notes, “Any sense of obligation is shame-based, and it is a red flag.” Even if your date bought you a seven-course dinner at an expensive French restaurant, no gesture means you’re obligated to have sex.
You should never decide to move forward with having sex because you feel like you should, and if a potential partner adds pressure, run in the opposite direction! Feelings of entitlement around sex should ring the alarm.
Monet continues, “true consent is ongoing, and you always have the right to stop. If you don’t know that or believe that, that is the biggest red flag of all.”
What to communicate before sex
Another tip that helps you understand if you’re ready to have sex? Make sure you’ve talked about STI status. Disclosing STIs prior to sex can help partners make informed consent (i.e., partners will have all the information they need to say yes or no to the experience). Disclosing your own STI status, such as if you’re waiting on results, have any symptoms, or when you were last tested, can also help you and a potential partner decide how to have safe sex.
Cooper notes, “contraception and safe sex should be part of communication prior to sex.” This goes for hookups, too! Though these conversations might feel difficult to have, they can better prepare you for what to expect, along with letting you know about any risks.
Boundary setting before sex can also set partners up for success and more pleasure. By talking about boundaries beforehand, you know what to expect.
Cooper notes, “Discussing the type of sex beforehand will allow you to have more freedom to explore each other’s bodies consensually when getting down to it.” Not sure how to go about it? You might make a yes/no list with your potential partner before you have sex. Be sure to compare notes after list-making so all partners are on the same page about what’s fair game and what’s off the table.
Making a decision
Feeling like someone respects your boundaries (and vice versa) is a solid place to make a decision from. An obvious question that bears being asked: do you think the sex would feel good and bring you pleasure? Friend, don’t do it if not!
“Only you and those within your relationship will know when the time is right to have sex. It can be easy to try and follow a structure when forming a relationship, particularly one influenced by our peers, but allowing the relationship to form naturally and fluidly to when you all feel right for the next stages can lead to authentic and fulfilling connections,” says Cooper.
The perfect time is the time that’s right for you. Not every sexual connection needs to turn into a relationship. Waiting may not guarantee that it turns into one, and this is perfectly okay. Hookups are also very okay too.
If you’re trying to make the decision, head to your emotions, any sensations you feel in your body either with your potential partner or when you think about them, and make sure you’re able to communicate about sexual boundaries and health.
