By now, most of us are well-acquainted with the dating trend that is ghosting. In case you’ve been spared the agony that comes with being the victim of it, let us explain: ghosting is when someone you’ve been dating suddenly and inexplicably disappears off the face of the earth. The phenomenon often leaves us wondering if the ghoster actually died, or perhaps dropped their phone down the toilet causing iCloud to somehow erase our contact details. Now, in a classic 2020 turn of events, another dating trend has developed from this one – and it’s equally confusing and depressing. Enter: Zombieing.
What is zombieing?
Zombieing, as the name suggests, is when a ghost rises from the dead, out of their coffin and back into your life, usually with a seemingly innocent message along the lines of “Hey, how are things?” The zombie may even acknowledge their sudden disappearance and offer an explanation; work got really busy, they left the country, they were moving house. In the era of Covid-19, however, when lockdowns stack up like wine glasses beside the sink after a boozy Saturday night, the validity of their excuses is called into question, which leaves us wondering what really happened and why they’ve made a reappearance.
Why do people do it?
Opinions differ on the reason that a zombie may return to your life. This year, we’ve had more time on our own than ever before, confined to the house with little to do once we’ve worked our way through the best that Netflix has to offer. One common train of thought is that those who partake in zombieing are simply bored and use conversation with you as a source of entertainment or even an ego-boost. This realisation hurts, especially if the zombie in question is someone you cared about deeply. As ever though, there are two sides to every story. Sex & Relationship psychotherapist Miranda Christopers explains:
“The reason we may have seen zombieing increase more during lockdown is that most people's lives changed during this time – life stood still. We suddenly realised that planning was useless and that life is unpredictable. We started to find more enjoyment in the little things and in things we never knew we enjoyed – perhaps this made us think the same could apply to people we weren't necessarily too interested in previously.”
Should we ever respond to a zombie?
When someone who previously exited our life without so much as an explanation suddenly reappears, it can prompt a million questions and emotions. It can also be extremely hard to discern whether it’s worth responding or not. Someone who has ghosted you in the past has demonstrated that they may not have very good communication skills, and anyone who pops back into your life purely when it suits them may not be someone you want to spend energy on. However, if you can’t shake the feeling of interest or curiosity, Miranda suggests starting by calling their previous behaviour out. “Acknowledge their ghosting - give them a chance to explain it. You can see how you feel about their response to it - do they explain it or show regret?,” she says. If the answer is yes, and your ghost has a genuine reason for their ghoulishness, then you might feel comfortable to continue chatting. But before you hit ‘send’ on that reply, it’s worth thinking about the reason why you want to respond.
“If you were ghosted, I think it's worth considering why you want to speak to that person again. Are you replying because you actually want to or because you felt rejected the first time? Think about your self-esteem – does it feel worth pursuing this situation and does it make you feel good? Or would you be better passing on this one?” says Miranda.
What if I’m the zombie?
Sometimes, life gets in the way of a blossoming relationship or casual dating sitch, we know. Things get busy, people get the ick, someone else might have piqued your interest. We’re human, and we don’t always deal with things in the way that we should’. If you find yourself reflecting on a past relationship and wishing that you hadn’t called it quits in the way that you did, there may be a chance at re-igniting things. The crucial point to consider is why you want to get in touch with the person you ghosted, making sure that you’re not going to cause them further hurt by reappearing.
“Ask yourself how the other person would have felt when you ghosted them - put yourself in their shoes. It's worth considering how they are likely to respond and how they will feel by contacting them. Ask yourself if you are really interested or just trying to fill a gap temporarily. If it's the latter, find another way to fill it,” advises Miranda.
At Badoo, we believe in dating honestly – and that means communicating exactly what you want with your matches. Whether you regret ghosting someone and think you really want to make a go of things, or just want a bit of a flirt and a cheeky video date, it’s all valid, as long as the other person knows your intentions. “If you decide to go ahead and make contact, think about explaining why the sudden 'blast from the past'. Just randomly sending a message saying 'Hi, how are you?' is likely to irritate or bring up thoughts of previously being ghosted, as it appears that you haven't thought anything of it,” advises Miranda.
As long as you’re entering into the situation with honesty and allowing the other person the space to react in their own way, then give it a shot. Just be prepared that this time, you might be the one who gets ghosted...