Hands up if you usually scroll through Badoo on your phone while watching TV? Or find yourself agreeing to a date just because someone has asked you and you’re free on Thursday night? We’re probably all a bit guilty of approaching dating in a disengaged way – and feeling unfulfilled because of it. When we don’t spend time working out what we want from dating, it’s easy to just go with the flow and forget that we can choose our own path. The secret to avoiding mediocre chat and forgettable dates is really quite simple: it’s mindful dating.
Mindful dating is all about dating with purpose and intention. It doesn’t matter if you’re looking for a committed relationship, someone to hang out with, or a fun day out with someone new – being present and mindful helps you get the best out of your dating experience. So, how does it work?
Work out what you want
To really date mindfully, you need to work out what you’re looking for in a potential partner. Are you all about the relationship life? Or would you like to find something a bit more casual? Once you’ve established that, go into more detail: think about what qualities are really important to you in a partner and what your non-negotiables are. Maybe you’re looking for someone kind, someone who‘s open to having kids, or someone who understands that your career is a big part of your life. Having a checklist doesn’t make you boring, it just means you’re focusing your attention on the people who are best suited for you. Keep these things in mind when you’re on a date – and if the other person isn’t a good match romantically, chalk it up to experience and keep on moving.
Really listen
As silly as it sounds, it’s actually very easy to forget to really listen to the other person when you’re on a date. When your date is talking, try not to spend time planning your response in your head because of nerves, or figuring out where to take the conversation next. Instead, really focus your attention on what your date is saying, and ask them questions about the details they’ve mentioned. It shows that you’ve heard them, and also makes sure that the conversation doesn’t dry up – a great bonus.
Stay curious
Instead of entering into every date with the mindset that it’s going to end in a relationship, or just end – try to remember that dating is meant to be fun! It’s a chance to try new things and chat to an interesting person. Even if your date doesn’t turn out to be a match for you romantically, they could become a great friend, or, if they’re a hot-shot at DIY or an expert on the local area, someone you can ask for tips. Approach dates with a curious mindset and try to learn something new each time.
Try not to get too tipsy
For people who drink alcohol, heading to a bar on a date is standard practice. But while having a drink can be enjoyable and help ease any nerves, try not to get too tipsy! Getting bleary-eyed on a date isn’t a good look, and you risk not being able to tell if you really like that person, or if you just like them after a couple of pinot grigios. Since alcohol affects your memory, having too many cocktails might lead to patchy recall the next day – and if the date was a roaring success, you won’t want to forget it.
Check in with how you’re feeling regularly
It feels like there's lots of pressure to date now and have a 'hot girl summer', but don’t forget you can say no to dates if you’re just not feeling it. You don’t need to come up with an elaborate excuse, just simply tell your match that you’re having some downtime and be honest about whether they’re likely to hear from you in the future. Being in tune with your emotions will put you in a better position once you do re-enter the dating scene, too.
Know the signs of dating burnout
After such a mammoth year and a total change in routine, it might take you some time to get back into the swing of things, where dates are concerned. There's no harm in testing the water with a couple of dates and pulling back if you're not up to it. If you find yourself feeling a bit burnt out and want to give dating apps a break, then do it. Your wellbeing comes first.
Recognise that rejection is redirection
There are always going to be some dates that don’t go brilliantly, and some chats that go nowhere, but dating mindfully means that you’ll be equipped to deal with those experiences and move on, feelings intact. Being mindful looks like knowing that rejection is something that happens to all of us, and being compassionate towards yourself in spite of that. It may hurt at the time, but it’s pointing you in the direction of better things.
If you’re thinking of dipping your toe into the world of dating, try doing it mindfully and take it date by date. You’ve got this!