23 years have passed since the Sex and the City ladies catwalked their way through Manhattan and onto our screens (Manolo Blahniks et al). These four best friends showed a generation who were unable to talk about the intimate details of sex and dating what women were really discussing and thinking. Despite the arrival of dating apps changing the way we date, many of the experiences featured in the series are still SO relatable. With Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte set to reunite in the spin-off series And Just Like That (sans Samantha – cry), we thought it was the perfect time to re-cap on everything the hit noughties show taught (and failed to teach us) about dating.
The good advice:
Being single isn’t uncool
In the words of sex and relationships columnist Carrie Bradshaw, “Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you're pretty sexy and you're taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with." Preach. While generations ago, people used to see being single as something to be pitied, nowadays it’s seen as something to be admired. There’s no shame in spending time looking after yourself and figuring out what you want in a partner (or partners) – in fact, it’s a must.
Stalking your ex on social media is never a good idea
Carrie’s version of ‘going a bit crazy and snooping on your ex’ was in physical form rather than virtual, but it was JUST as awkward as accidentally liking an Instagram post from 7 years ago. In ‘The Freak Show,’ Carrie is caught red-handed going through her new fling’s bedroom to find something that proves he isn’t perfect. When she realises he’s standing in front of her, her face is paralysed with shock (much like ours when we notice that we’ve just double-tapped). Needless to say, their relationship ended there. And if that isn’t a sign that it’s time to mute, unfollow or block your ex’s profile to stop you creeping – we don’t know what is.
Communication is key (yes, that old chestnut)
There isn’t a woman on television who speaks her mind as well as Samantha Jones. Whether it’s something in the bedroom that she doesn’t like, or something her friends have done to annoy her, she’s straight-up about it. And it serves her well. Unlike Samantha, in season 3 episode 12, Charlotte keeps her doubts about her relationship with Trey a secret even on their wedding day, Carrie keeps her affair with Mr. Big from Aiden, and Miranda lies about her career. It goes without saying that none of these omissions of truth went well in the end – and the episode reminds us that honesty really is the best policy when it comes to dating.
Ditching your ‘type’ can lead to amazing things
This past year of dating has been weird and difficult, but it’s also encouraged us to drop our rigid ideas about what we’re looking for in a partner. In ‘before times’, we might have been hell-bent on finding a partner who shared the same interests as us or looked a certain way. Now, we’re more open to different kinds of people and experiences. In Sex and the City, we see proof that dating beyond your ‘type’ can lead to incredible chemistry. Take Charlotte and Harry for example – he wasn’t quite the usual, polished city guy she’d dated previously, and she almost wrote him off because of it. Once she gave him a chance, she discovered that he was a wonderful partner. Same with Miranda and Steve – Miranda’s hard-working personality was at complete odds with Steve’s laissez-faire attitude and come-what-may demeanor. She was skeptical about him at first, but ended up being won over by his casual charm and caring nature. Re-evaluating your preferences can lead to incredible outcomes, give it a go!
Dating looks different for everyone
For Carrie, dating was mostly about falling head over (expensive) heels in love. She told Aleksandr Petrovsky: “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love” – a line which spawned a thousand Pinterest quotes. For Samantha on the other hand, dating was about fun – she revelled in having wild sex, and even waited for hours in a restaurant for a hot waiter to finish his shift so she could sleep with him. She was bold, knew what she wanted, and dated on her own terms. We could all learn a bit from Samantha, who told Carrie: "I will not be judged by you or society” when she berated her for hooking up with a delivery guy at work. Whether you’re all about finding true love, finding the one ‘right now’ or something in between – your dating life is no one but yours, so do what makes you happy.
The things we wish they’d known:
Be gone, Bi-erasure
Oh Carrie...while you gave us some stellar advice, you also got some stuff seriously wrong. One moment in the show which made us shudder was when Carrie’s boyfriend told her he was bisexual, and she later proclaimed: "I'm not even sure bisexuality exists. I think it's just a layover on the way to Gay Town." Seems like someone needs a lesson in LGBTQIA+ history, to us. Bisexuality absolutely exists, and it’s a valid sexual orientation – what shouldn’t exist, is the clear bi-phobia Carrie and the girls display in this episode.
Bullshit behaviour not wanted
In an episode where the four women are debating whether honesty is the best policy, Samantha suggests it isn’t, saying: “Practically all the relationships I know are based on a foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusions.” A rather grim observation. Throughout the show, we also see Carrie embroiled in a toxic relationship with Mr. Big, which sees him acting hot and cold, pestering her, and emotionally manipulating her on several occasions. Hardly the stuff of fairytales. Our biggest lesson we learned from this behaviour on the show is that just because these characters and their friends put up with shit from their romantic partners, doesn’t mean we should. Knowing your boundaries, and when to cut things off when they’ve been crossed, is a far healthier approach to dating.
There are countless other problems with SATC: it’s blatant white-washing, it’s the portrayal of BIPOC communities, the way it pits women against each other for male attention, the clear classism...the list goes on. But the show did do some good: making talking about sex less taboo, encouraging women to take agency when dating, and showing us that ultimately, we should be dating on our own terms. Whether we’re single, dating, or in a relationship, our happiness is the number one priority. As Carrie says: "The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you [that] you love, well, that's just fabulous."
We’ll cheers to that.