We all behave differently in relationships: some of us LOVE being close enough to our partners, while others prefer to have their own space (and we’re not just talking about spooning). That being said, if we were to put a microscope on our past relationships, we’d probably notice similar situations cropping up in each one. The reason? Our behaviour within relationships (both good and bad) can be influenced by our attachment styles. Relationship charity Relate explains:
“Your attachment style describes the ways in which you are likely to behave in relationships - how you might act when it comes to things like commitment, communication, maintaining boundaries, and so on. In other words, how you feel about the process of being ‘attached’ to someone else.”
Deep stuff, but the good news is that identifying our attachment style can help us understand why we behave the way we do and help us create healthier relationships in the future.
What’s the deal with attachment theory?
Attachment theory might sound like something straight out of a university lecture, but it actually affects all of us. It’s a theory created by the British psychoanalyst John Bowlby, who used it to study the relationships of children and their parents. In the ‘80s, two psychologists found that Bowlby’s three styles of attachment could also be applied to adult romantic relationships. The three attachment styles are anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and secure attachment. Below, we’ve outlined each style and how it could affect our relationships. Keep in mind that most people don’t 100% follow just one attachment style, but the category we identify with most can offer some clues about why we feel or act a certain way within our relationships.
1. Anxious attachment
Those of us with an anxious attachment style enjoy being close to a romantic partner but tend to be more insecure and anxious than the other categories. This might be down to patchy relationships with caregivers as a child: either because parents weren’t always there when needed, or presented an inconsistent parenting style, with closeness at times, followed by distance.
We all know it’s annoying when a date cancels plans at the last minute – especially when we’ve already got all dressed (and psyched) up. Usually, small issues like this could be talked over, but for those of us with an anxious attachment style, cancelled plans can feel like a rejection and send us into an anxious spiral. Not fun. Us anxious attachment types might also find that we’re worried about what our partner is doing when they’re not with us, or be super sensitive to small changes in their behaviour – often taking it personally.
2. Avoidant attachment
On the other end of the spectrum is the avoidant attachment style, which often presents as self-sabotaging romantic relationships. Those of us with an avoidant attachment style might have experienced trauma at an early age or found that our needs weren’t met by caregivers. Because of this, we might form the belief that a partner will never be truly there for us, and create distance as a defence mechanism.
Avoidant attachment types might not commit to relationships at all, or cut off blossoming relationships after the first few dates. If we’re in this attachment category and in a relationship, we tend to zero in on minor flaws in our partner and use them to convince ourselves that we were better off single. Essentially, this attachment style becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: if we go into a relationship expecting it to end in tears, it probably will.
3. Secure attachment - the jackpot!
A secure attachment style is the most ideal of all three types. Like the other two attachment styles, this one will have stemmed from childhood. Those of us with a secure attachment style will probably have had emotionally and physically present caregivers, and have been able to express our emotions. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the caregiving relationship was perfect – just that everyone was able to communicate and work out issues.
Secure attachment types aren’t fazed by committed relationships and so don’t have to battle experience intense feelings of anxiety or avoidance. These lucky ones amongst us feel comfortable spending time with our partners, but also enjoy doing things independently. Like in any relationship, we still experience problems (sadly there’s no get-out-of-jail-free card) but we’ll be able to handle these and work them out in a healthy way.
So...what does it all mean?
If you’re lucky enough to fall into the secure attachment category, you’re already in a great place to experience healthy relationships. But don’t worry if you aren’t – anxious and avoidant attachment styles are incredibly common and they don’t mean that you’ll never have a happy relationship. Identifying your attachment style and why you do the things you do in relationships is already a game-changer!
The latter two attachment styles signify that you’re looking for a partner to fulfil emotional needs you aren’t meeting yourself. Realising this is a great thing: it gives you a starting point for working out what you need to address. If you’re avoidant, that might be learning how to let a partner in, and if you’re anxious, you can start to work on your self-esteem until you realise that you are more than enough. No matter your attachment style, relationships take work from all the people involved, and you 100% deserve to be in a happy, healthy one.