Written by Jasmine Lee-Zogbessou
I am a true romantic. The type that gets giddy when I’m getting ready for dates, enjoys intense eye contact across the dinner table, and fantasises about how passionate the first kiss will be.
So, I really desire that initial chemistry when I meet someone new, because those factors don’t happen with just anyone. But take away the traditional way of meeting new people and add the incessant ‘swipe left, swipe right’ nature of many dating apps, and that chemistry is a lot harder to find.
A year or two ago, I decided to explore online dating. I tend to go out to the same parties and bars, with the same people, so dating apps were a great way for me to broaden my horizons and connect with someone who I may not have given a chance in person.
Optimistically, I hoped my future partner would be a click or two away. But, here’s the thing with me: I am really picky, and as a Black woman I can’t afford not to be. I refuse to tolerate racism, sexism, or ignorance of any kind, which definitely limits my online dating pool.
It’s a proven fact that my race puts me at a disadvantage.
In 2014, OkCupid co-founder Christian Rudder found that there is clear bias against Black dating app users, showing that Black women in particular are considered the least attractive demographic in heterosexual dating.
I am bisexual and have had more success with women than men on dating apps, so perhaps that’s a testament to this data? Rudder also reported that Black women receive 25% fewer first messages than women of all other races on OkCupid.
So, being open to ethnicities outside of my own not only makes me vulnerable to unconscious bias and fetishising, but it also means I may actually have a smaller chance of finding ‘the one’. Regardless, I remained open minded.
I quickly realised that there’s no one size fits all dating app, so after downloading and deleting my first one within a week, I continued to try others.
Overall, I’ve probably tried and tested about nine different dating apps. Some were overwhelming and confusing, and whilst I successfully connected with interesting people on others, there were a few experiences that stood out to me the most. Not for positive reasons either.
Awful First Messages
On one occasion I matched with a man who had actually bothered to fill out his profile. Most people would expect a simple “Hello, how are you today?”, or maybe even an awkward icebreaker, but this guy decided to go straight to “Your lips would look perfect wrapped around my dick.”
I paused and stared at my screen in disbelief. Weighing up my possible responses, I ended up asking him, “Do you think it’s acceptable to speak to a woman like that?”, to which he simply feigned ignorance and insisted that his opening message was a compliment. I quickly put him in his place before unmatching with him.
Now, that’s not the first time I’ve heard that line or a variation of that line either. I have full lips, a typical feature for most Black people but I did not expect such unprovoked vulgarity. After that nasty encounter, my search continued.
I matched with another man who had an unusual profile. I waited for him to make the first move, and he quickly started a conversation.
It started off as pleasant - the ever typical “Hello, what have you been up to today?” came and went. I then questioned a section of his profile, which (loosely) said “I don’t go out in London because the girls are boring.”
His pleasant façade disappeared almost immediately as he aggressively explained that he doesn’t go out in London because Black women don’t dance. I mistakenly asked him to explain further, and he went on a rant about trying to dance with Black women and being turned down, complaining about us dancing with our friends and being stuck up.
Apparently, if Black women don’t want to dance with men, we should stay home. He then went on to accuse me of looking stuck up and boring. We ended up arguing about his disgusting entitlement for a while before I realised that I didn’t need to waste my energy on such a senseless person. I unmatched, closed the app and was left aggravated.
In a few hours of virtual interactions, I had been sexualised and labelled as conceited solely off of my image. And don’t even get me started on the man who turned our initially normal conversation upside down by telling me he wanted to keep and smell my underwear (instant report).
Pro: I was weeding out the creeps and weirdos. Cons: I became truly disheartened with online dating.
How Can The Online Dating Experience Be Improved For Black Women?
Dating Apps Need To Create A Safe Community
Dating apps have a responsibility to protect their users, especially women and specifically Black women.
Dating is supposed to be fun, carefree and intriguing, but when you’re talking to and intending to meet up with someone online, it can be scary.
Naturally, alarm bells ring in your head. Are they a catfish? What if I’m not attracted to them in person? Then the more sinister thoughts begin creeping in - what if they harm me?
I have reported inappropriate people across a few dating apps, and I’ve also complained about several men having access to my profile when I’ve specified in my preferences that I only want to connect with women.
Yet, these complaints were never answered, so it is clear that dating apps are missing the mark. If there are no consequences for poor actions, users will continue to abuse these spaces and this particular Black woman is incredibly tired of abuse.
Dating App Users Need To Be Honest
Users also have a responsibility to create a virtual safe space.
Make your intentions clear when asked what you’re looking for. There’s no harm in wanting a casual relationship, nor is it pitiful to list the desire for a serious relationship on your profile.
Truly ask yourself, why am I here? What is my intention on this app? How can I ensure I make the people I interact with comfortable?
Because, I know for a fact, that the above men I interacted with would never have dared to speak to me like that in person.
Also, understand that you are not entitled to a response or match either, especially on apps that don’t have specific preference criteria available for users.
I like having more autonomy over my virtual dating choices and value dating apps that allow me to tailor my preference, as well as apps that actively seek out and take onboard feedback.
The online dating experience won’t change for women like me until dating apps face up to and learn from our reality.
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At Badoo, we have a zero tolerance policy on hate speech of any kind. We’re always working to create a safe dating space for everyone, but please be sure to block and report any racist behaviour you encounter on our platform.
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