Written by Henriette Hell
After 30, everyone suddenly expects you to get married, have children, or at least have a career. But what if you're not ready, have only met idiots so far, or want something completely different?
Why it’s totally OK to still be looking at 30
When we were 22, we constantly met new people through friends and house parties. We flirted with everyone, very easily, without much effort. Now we're 30 - and it feels like everything is getting more complicated: suddenly one drinking buddy after another is heading off on parental leave. Engagements here, pregnancies there, while we're still comfortably sifting through our matches. Meanwhile, everyone is saying: "Well, still single? It's about time you started getting serious - the biological clock is ticking!". Not even celebrities like Emma Watson are spared from this. Recently, the actress and UN ambassador said she no longer describes herself as single. She says she is "self-partnered and very happy" – mainly so that people will finally stop bugging her with tactless questions all the time. After all, it's perfectly OK to still be looking at 30+!
Some people don't even bother with the illusion of eternal love anymore. The prospect of a few beautiful years together is enough for them. My buddy Fabs explained this to me in more detail at a party the other day. He had recently realised that monogamy was not for him: although things were going well with his girlfriend, he was longing for sexual escapades with other people. His desire for new things is now greater than his fear of a possible break-up. "What's wrong with me?" he asked me as we stood together on the balcony having a cigarette. "I love my girlfriend, don't I?".
I reassured him: almost every adult in a long-term relationship will feel this way at some point. Especially if they haven’t really let off steam erotically or if there’s a lack of creativity in bed within the existing relationship. The question now was whether his girlfriend might be open to an open relationship.
At that moment, our friend Paul joined us. "Tell me, how old school are you guys?!" he interjected. Most younger people, he said, don't even think about whether something is forever. "Nobody voluntarily puts themselves through that stress anymore. What's the point?" The modern approach, he said, is clearly to let whatever happens, happen. Whether a relationship lasts a year or three or ten years – it doesn't matter at all. A practical side effect is that it is much easier to be faithful. "As soon as I feel that I’m interested in other people, I prefer to end the current relationship right away. Of course, it's great luck when you find someone you want to go long stretches of your life with. But since my divorce, I don't stress myself out about thoughts of a future with every new partner. I like my new girlfriend NOW. She wants kids, I don't. So what? Luckily she's ten years younger. We'll just break up in time."
I wondered if Paul had just forgotten how to let himself trust people. Or maybe he was just getting to the heart of what no one else dared to say out loud. After all, statistically speaking, the duration of people's relationships is getting shorter and shorter. Is it because we live in a time when everything is geared towards self-improvement and there is pressure to perform on all fronts - even in the bedroom?
"Many people forget how to have a normal, run-of-the-mill love life," Paul added. "But there's nothing better than just bobbing along in a nice mediocre way, enjoying a quiet existence and not comparing yourself with any other couples. And when it's over: just be grateful for what was. Look ahead. Move on." Hallelujah.
Happy ending? Sometimes happy hour is enough
Nevertheless, after a certain age, many of us work (unconsciously) towards the classic cliché happy ending. This usually leads to us struggling to gain the approval of others in the first half of our lives, because we don't yet have our own yardstick for what is REALLY good for us. So we chase after other people's ideals and often set the demands we make on ourselves far too high. Until, after the first or second serious relationship crisis, we realise that we can determine the rules and values for a successful life. Not everyone gets to this point because the road there is rocky and what happens along the way often hurts quite a bit.
Especially in the rush hour of life, between 30 and 40, many feel under pressure to constantly get the absolute best out of everything. Professionally, aesthetically, romantically. Even holidays are booked under social pressure à la: "What? They were in Barbados? Then we'll fly to Hawaii this year!" And instead of relaxing on vacation, the whole time is spent straining to find the perfect holiday photo for social media. Completely exhausted, the supposed #dreamcouple don't speak another word to each other for days, while their followers are green with envy. As the saying goes: "Love in front of people means nothing.”
To put it plainly: as soon as you start to obsess over the search for a partner, you’ve lost already. Because by doing this, you'll miss out on everything that makes dating so exciting and beautiful: the anticipation of the first date, the tingling in your stomach when your hands touch for the first time, the first kiss, the first message the next day…
I read somewhere that statistically, you have to date 100 people to find someone who is halfway compatible with you. So we’re bound to kiss a few frogs in our search for ‘the one.’ So do me a favour, dear couples, and don't ask your single friends about their relationship status every time you meet them. "It's complicated" is true 99.9 percent of the time. So please stop constantly reducing us to our reproductive purpose. Believe it or not, there's plenty of other exciting stuff to talk to us about besides our love lives! We don't ask you how your marriage is going all the time!
Enough with the toxic checklists
The toxic checklists that many people have in their heads from their late twenties onwards (I have to find my soulmate by 28, be married by 30, become a mother by 32, etc.) only put us under unnecessary pressure and tend to lead us to make hasty decisions that don't really suit us.
If it takes some of us a little longer to find our "person", then that's perfectly OK. Not everything earth-shattering has to happen in the years between 30 and 40! My friend Betty "only" met the love of her life when she was 41. "We can still get married in our 40s, find our true selves at 50 and our dream job at 60," she likes to preach. Exactly! Pressure, my dears, is only needed in our bicycle tyres.
Seriously, love can't be planned and it's no use people telling us that we can't feel completely happy until we've found our "plus one". Life isn’t just about one happy ending – it's much more important that we take care of ourselves.
The most important thing is that we always remain open to all the good things that the universe hopefully still has in store for us. Until then, let’s enjoy the many beautiful little encounters with people who may not be right for us as life partners, but who aren’t any less entertaining.