Written by Helen Scott
There’s being a lesbian in 2021, and then there’s being a single lesbian in 2021. I’m the latter, and at the age of 31, I’ve done it all.
I had an affair with my best friend at 15, got married at 20, divorced by 22 and have been proposed to more times than I’ve tried epilating. There’s been three-ways and sex parties and non-monogamous relationships, I told you! It’s been eventful. And at this point in my life it would be so easy to feel like the game is up or that it's never going to happen for me. I mean, you try making up just 1% of the population and finding your Mrs Right! Everyone tells you that as you get older you become wiser, more confident, more ‘give a fuck?’ about what people think of you, and that, my friends, is true! But what people also tell you, is that you shouldn't go looking for love, that it’ll just happen when you stop searching for it. And that, in my opinion, is a load of bullshit.
I’m not waiting around for Mrs. Right...
When lesbians are so few and far between, you can imagine the pool of women that are just waiting to jump out from behind a bush when I’m ‘least expecting it’ is fairly slim. Then factor in compatibility, sexual chemistry, morals, and life goals and whether you want children or not and so on and so forth –I mean, guys! If I was going to wait for love to just show up on my doorstep, who knows what age I’d be when Stockwell’s version of Ruby Rose comes knocking? Which is why I thank the Vagina Gods every day, for online dating.
Words aren't the only way to communicate...
I met a girl on a dating app once called Hazel. She was fit. Long brown hair, Mexican, loved a glass of wine and a salsa night and so I was sold! We arranged drinks at a local bar and I turned up with those first date nerves, super excited. I sat down and immediately knew something was up. It turns out, Hazel had been using Google translate for the past few weeks to communicate with me and actually spoke little to no English…I mean, I’m a presenter, right; I’ve hosted live on ITV with no teleprompter and just the gift of the gab to see me through, but this was honestly a moment! Suffice to say it never worked out between me and Hazel. But what I will say is, when there’s no way of verbally communicating, there are others, trust me.
Lesbians have casual sex too...
As the hard-working lesbian that I am, I tend to travel a lot, and once on a trip to Ireland, I used a dating app to find a weekend hookup. Sarah had this amazing Irish accent, dark hair and green eyes (You’re noticing a type here right?!). She was a local which saved me trying to figure out which bars were gay friendly, she introduced me to her pals who were super fun, and we made the most of the hotel room together. The perfect trip! My point is, Irish women are great in be… No no, just kidding. Looking for love online is what most people are using a dating app for, right, but finding queer connections of any kind is also something that’s highly underrated. The power of connecting so instantly with other people in your community, and being able to forge such deep bonds is something I struggle to put into words. I guess it’s like when you have some obscure hobby, like gardening, and you find other people who also love gardening, and it makes you all warm and fuzzy and like only those people really understand you. It's kind of like that, only cooler.
Online dating done right...
I mean yeah, the older I get, the more effort dating is. The more small talk I have to wade through and honestly, there are more red flags to dodge than in a competitive game of laser quest. But at least with online dating my pool of potential lesbian lovers suddenly becomes way bigger, and by now I’ve got my online dating game nailed. Once matched, I message them straight away. I wouldn't usually make the first move IRL, but this weeds out the ones who are just there for an ego boost (you’re welcome), and determines who’s matching to actually make a connection. I throw some good, juicy questions in that touch on the important stuff (friendships, politics, babies, ex wives?) and arrange a phone call if the chat flows. If the call goes well, they get a date! That might sound really straight forward but honestly, the more black and white I’ve made online dating over the years, the less stressful and more successful I’ve found it to be. It’s that cliche that communication is the key to any relationship and man, it's so true!
We’re looking for our soulmates too...
Ultimately, it's about access. Access to queers that I just wouldn't have without the power of the internet. In a world that doesn't particularly cater for me, with gay bars and LGBTQ+ venues closing down left, right, and centre because a Spoons brings in the crowds, we don’t have as many options for meeting our ‘ones’ in real life. So we’ve gotta do what we can to keep our love (and sex) lives alive. I can't imagine what life was like for our ancestors who, not only didn’t have online dating to find one another but were actually denied the simple right to just fancy who they fancied? I feel lucky to be able to swipe right, and have that feeling of ‘what's going to happen next?’. Being able to experience that optimism is a blessing in itself as a queer person. After all, we’re a small minority of people just out here in the world, looking for our soulmates too.
So, as we enter Pride month 2021, I guess it wouldn't be right to leave you without a few messages of education…
To the straights: We love that you have ‘that one gay friend’ that you want to matchmake us with and sure, show us a picture, but honestly just because I’m gay and your friend is gay doesn’t mean we’re destined to be, sorry hun.
A message to the gays and the theys: Dating might seem like a minefield, particularly after the year we’ve had. So whether you're fresh out of the closet, still in it and dabbling, or a dating veteran like me, please know that you deserve love, great hookups, and friendships in abundance.
And on that note, I just got a match! Must dash.
LOL.
Helen xo.
Find Helen on Instagram and check out her website.
The ‘A Letter From…’ series features global voices from the LGBTQIA+ community, sharing their candid & personal stories about the joys and frustrations of dating. Their perspectives, their voices, their creative vision. Discover more stories here.